My first blog (what the hell am I doing?)

 
Can't say I ever saw the day I'd be doing this... quite the opposite in fact, which I've convinced myself is largely due to some repressed negative childhood experiences or watching kiddies' TV. Boys didn't keep diaries - they read their sister's, or at least that's how I remember it used to go - you certainly didn't keep your own. Extend that to displaying "softer" traits or being involved with something perceived to be immasculine or uncool. I'm not altogether sure when attitudes to that type of stuff changed. I am sure it has a lot to do with western society becoming more liberal, tolerant, understanding and equal than it used to be - so in terms of how it came to be I'll send acknowledgments in the direction of the popular/sensationalist press (finally something positive to come from it) and celebrities like David Beckham. There is of course still some way to go but on the whole we have much more freedom to be who we want to be and follow our own paths rather than submit to conforming to societal pattern. For the many people who are shy or introverted, confronting low confidence and/or self-esteem, or simply trying to explore and "find" themselves, I'm sure this is both comforting and liberating. It has been for me so far.

Popular psychology talks about how we become very different people at various points in life as our circumstances and values change. It's true. At 30 years old and largely on my own having moved half-way around the world to Sydney, I have different needs, desires, attitudes and - most interestingly - thought processes (though I am unable to articulate them), than I did at 25 with my own place in Berlin and trying to build my career, and completely different again from when I was 20, in university and still living at home with my parents. Recently I started browsing through old emails and letters I'd written wondering if it was really me that penned them. It started when I was leaving my job last October after almost 7 years and clearing out my Outlook archives - I started going through personal stuff later. I found myself shocked and on occasion speechless at some of the things I had committed to written or electronic record in my earlier years. I'm thankful to realize I've evolved since but find myself wondering should I perform the same exercise in another few years if will I experience the same feeling. I'm already curious to know what I'll think about what I'm writing here.

So I'm starting to look at this as an experiment of sorts - maybe I'll gain some insight into myself and how I'm changing. I just turned 30 today and figure this is a pretty good time to start, having recently had more time than I'd have liked to spend with my inner thoughts.

What this turns into from here - diary, soapbox, commentary - I don't quite know. But here goes...